So, I’m a sophomore at the University of South Carolina’s College of Education which means I get to go to a whole lot of elementary and middle schools in the area! (Fun, right?) They like us to start going a couple hours a week to just get our feet wet and see how we like being back in a grade school environment. This past semester I was at four different schools. That’s a lot of students I get to interact with. And much like teachers, us student teachers, have our favorites and our not so favorites.
I went to a title one school here in Columbia and was mortified by the students behaviors that I witnessed. Given that the school is 94% free/reduced lunch it is a high poverty area I didn’t expect to be fascinated with it. However, I was not ready for what I saw.
For starters, when I sat down in the classroom I watched some kids and they were crushing chex cereal on their desks while the teacher was trying to teach. The teacher seemed so unaware of what her class was doing and I honestly don’t know how. There was a couple of kids who were appeared to be asleep on their desks and multiple children standing up wandering the room. Any minute the teacher was even remotely not paying attention, there would be one student who was talking about shooting people and robbing stores. Honestly, I was just tired watching the teacher try to manage her classroom. OH, did I mention this is SECOND GRADE. Yes, second graders talking about shooting people and robbing stores. I can’t even, y’all.
So all of that story just to say this, I am scared. I am terrified that in two years that teacher will be me. Ready to throw the towel in because my kids are out of control. I am terrified that I will fail my students. I am scared that I won’t be enough.
BUT, here’s what I rest in. When I applied to colleges, I was a pre-law major. I prayed over this decision because I was so uneasy and the Lord blessed me with an opportunity to sub in a second-grade class back at home where I fell in love with being an educator. I know that this is my calling in life. I know that with hard work, support, and trusting in the Lord that I will go into my first year of teaching strong and eager to pour into my kiddos and make a difference one child at a time. Do I doubt myself? Of course, I do. Who doesn’t? But I refuse to let that stop me from following my dream.
“Be Still”. Take a minute and unpack what that really means. To me, it means being patient. Something I struggle with every day.
I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years now with the most amazing man whom I do not deserve. He is caring, patient, loving, generous, calm, strong, almost everything I’m not. He keeps me sane. He keeps my head on my shoulders. We’ll call him C.
C & I moved to Columbia in August 2016 and are moving in together in July! So needless to say, we’re pretty serious. We’ve talked about marriage a lot and we both know that we want to spend forever with each other. But no ring.
If you’re a college-aged girl I know that your social media is filled with engagements, weddings, babies, new houses, all of that exciting stuff. And it is exciting and I am genuinely happy for all my friends and their futures. But I wish it was me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not on their timelines. I am not them, I am me. I keep trying to convince myself that I am ok with where I am, but am I really?
I am trying to be still while waiting for the right apartment for us to move into, while finishing my degree, while wanting C to propose, while looking for a new job. I am learning to be still. I know that The Lord wants me to be patient and that he has a plan and that if it is in His will for me & C to get engaged or married that it will happen because He is faithful. So in the meantime, I am trying to love where I am and who I am and enjoy the now. I am trying to be present. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to be still.
Ok well maybe I am, just sometimes.
A lot of the time when I tell my friends or family or boyfriend about my anxiety or my stress I hear “You’re being a drama queen” or “Stop being so overdramatic”.
These words make me want to punch you. They make me wanna grab you and shake you to knock some sense into you. How dare you downplay my anxiety like that? My real fear?
Ask any college kid you know how the end of the semester makes them feel. I have 5 papers due this week, three tests, and multiple projects. I also work 25-30 hours a week. That’s enough to stress anybody out, let alone someone who suffers from severe anxiety disorder. I stay up all hours of the night to write a paper and turn it in only to stay up for three more hours worrying about how tired I’m going to be the next day. Sometimes I just lay in bed and cry because I don’t even know where to start for my multiple projects, and sometimes I just eat all day because I’m so stressed.
Next time someone tells you how stressed and anxious they are, don’t call them overdramatic.
A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I really enjoy taking photos. I usually just take them of people I know, but I have a couple thousand dollars invested in this hobby. Here’s a precious family I shot for easter this past week. Enjoy 🙂
This family sure does hold a special place in my heart!
Luna had to jump in also 😉
This is first generation and fifth generation in one picture! LOVE.
These three blue-eyed babies are just beautiful!
Aunt & Uncle love this baby boy sooo much!
How can he be almost 5 months already??
I guess this is my new blog. I had one a long time ago but I never really got into it. So let’s see how this goes.
I’m sure the only people that will read this are my anon-twitter followers and maybe my cousin. But it’ll probably be boring so don’t get too excited. I’m basically going to use this as my diary. So get ready, cause this is liz as we know it.